Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
