I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
