he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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