I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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