eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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