saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
