DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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