So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
