I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
