drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
