1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
