i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
