you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
what day is it and did you see me today?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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