boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
