someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
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