whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
