i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Ladies don't puke and tell
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
