Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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