remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
soo... how was my night?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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