I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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