Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
