He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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