Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
