Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
