Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
