Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
