Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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