Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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