She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
