hotel room ftw
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
