even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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