I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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