Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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