I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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