Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
