so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
