Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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