He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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