if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
