I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
