oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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