he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
