ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
