I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
