Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
