Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
