I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
