i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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