i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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