I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
