Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
