Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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