Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Drunk is not a location!
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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