You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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