I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
