what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
