How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
