i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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