so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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