From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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