i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
