how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Im part way to drunk.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
