Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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