Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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