her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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