I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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