we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
