good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize