Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
