got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
