Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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