My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
